Biola University
What does the Bible say, if anything, about living together before marriage? Given that 70% of Americans now cohabit before marriage, and roughly 2/3 believe it will improve the odds of relationship success, what does the data show about how effective it is? While this is a huge topic in the church and culture today, surprisingly, few people are discussing it. In this episode, Sean and Scott discuss a recent study on cohabitation from the Institute for Family Studies.
Download the study: https://ifstudies.org/reports/whats-the-plan-cohabitation/2023/executive-summary
Episode Transcript
Scott Rae: [upbeat music] How prevalent is cohabitation today, particularly among Christian couples? What do you say to the Christian couples who are living together, and how does living together impact the chances for a successful marriage? We'll look at these questions and a whole lot more as Sean and I discuss a new sociological report on cohabitation from the Institute for Family Studies. So, Sean, this is a, this is an influential report, and we just... We were talking before we started recording. We just aren't talking about this that much. We seem to be- ... Accepting this almost as a given, and, you know, we sort of g- I think we've sort of given up trying to combat the tide of cohabitation. So tell me about this, a little bit about this report and what went into it, and how prevalent is cohabitation today?
Sean McDowell: Well, we really saw the American family start to change in the '70s and into the '80s, whether that was with things like divorce and, in this case, cohabitation. Now, in many ways, it's become the norm. Now, just some of the stats, I wanna read this and slow down to make sure that people really grasp this. According to a recent Pulse Pew study, the number of adults 18 to 44 who have ever cohabited, cohabitated, has surpassed the share who has ever been married. So if you isolate-
Scott Rae: Yeah
Sean McDowell: ... Those two, more have cohabited than married.
Scott Rae: Yeah. Now, I think, now, to be, to be clear, too, that includes people who may have cohabited just for a short period of time-
Sean McDowell: Sure
Scott Rae: ... Or, you know, maybe cohabited before marrying the person. It includes everybody. That's a big tent.
Sean McDowell: Bottom line-
Scott Rae: That's right
Sean McDowell: ... More have cohabited than individually been married, but fair enough. 65% of Americans believe living together before marriage will improve the odds of relationship success. Two out of three Americans believe living together sets you up for lasting relational marriage and success. What shocks me, and I use that word selectively, is 41% of at least self-identified Christians believe cohabitation is acceptable even without marriage plans. Four out of 10? I can't imagine those are Bible-believing, church-going evangelicals, but I don't know. 70% of identif- 40, 41% of Christians believe it's acceptable.
Scott Rae: Well, let me ask you a question on that. Just when's the last time you heard-
Sean McDowell: I-
Scott Rae: ... Anything preached where this is even-
Sean McDowell: Yep
Scott Rae: ... Even a, an incidental point of application?
Sean McDowell: I don't think I've ever heard a sermon talk about cohabitation once anywhere that I can remember. Have you?
Scott Rae: Never.
Sean McDowell: Not even once.
Scott Rae: Never.
Sean McDowell: So in some ways, your point is, [chuckles] why should we be surprised by this?
Scott Rae: Precisely.
Sean McDowell: That's a great point. Now, in America, 70% of couples live together before marriage, so this is by far the norm for couples. And then here's an interesting wrinkle to this, is by 12 years of age, which is my youngest son's age, 40% of American children will have spent part of their lives in a cohabiting relationship. Now, we'll come back to this.
Scott Rae: Interesting. Yeah.
Sean McDowell: But why does that matter? Because cohabiting relationships are far less stable than married relationships.
Scott Rae: Right.
Sean McDowell: This issue matters in the church and beyond.
Scott Rae: Yeah, much easier to get in and out of. And that, I think... We'll come back to that a little bit more on the impact that has on kid- or can have on kids. Now, I think we need to be fair, too. I mean, some, you know, some cohabitation arrangements are actually okay for kids, but some are not.
Sean McDowell: Exactly.
Scott Rae: So we'll, we'll... That, that needs a little nuancing, but we'll talk more about that. So let's be, let's be really clear right from the start. What, what's a biblical view of cohabitation?
Sean McDowell: Okay, so this study we're looking at is not studying the theology in the Bible.
Scott Rae: No.
Sean McDowell: It's looking sociologically, and there's important data there. How I speak to a Christian, of course, cohabiting goes back to God's design for what marriage is, laid out in the garden. God makes them male and female, says, "Multiply, fill the earth." And in Genesis 2, it says what? "A man leaves his father and his mother, clings to his wife, and the two shall become one." So there's a sense of separation from the household, and not even just physically. They might have shared a physical household, but your legal identity and ties, you leave one household, bond with the other in marriage, and then that becomes the appropriate avenue, so to speak, for sexual behavior. Now, I'm assuming in cohabitation there's sexual behavior. What I don't mean by cohabitation is if somebody owns a house, and they're renting out different rooms, and a boyfriend and a girlfriend are in completely separate rooms in the same house. That might be more of an issue of wisdom than it is an issue of cohabiting.
Scott Rae: I remember some really well-known apologist, last name McDowell-
Sean McDowell: [chuckles] Okay.
Scott Rae: ... Your father, talking about that and s- and-
Sean McDowell: Really?
Scott Rae: Yeah, yeah, talking about that exact scenario, and he said, and he said, "My friends, even Jesus would have had trouble with that situation."
Sean McDowell: Really?
Scott Rae: Yeah. [chuckles]
Sean McDowell: That's super interesting. I haven't, I haven't heard that. So the... So it's a, it's a point of wisdom, right?
Scott Rae: Yeah.
Sean McDowell: What we mean by cohabiting is you are living together, same place, in the vast majority of circumstances-
Scott Rae: Same, same place, same bed
Sean McDowell: ... Sexually active. And the Bible is very clear that all sexual activity outside of a marriage, which is one man, one woman for life, is wrong. So data aside, biblically and theologically, faithfulness would be against cohabitation.
Scott Rae: All right, so what do you say to... Let's say you have a Christian couple-... Who, you know, maybe a, maybe a s- you know, a student here who, he and his girlfriend are- ... After graduation are, you know, they're thinking about moving in together because they can, you know, two can live cheap as, you know, as cheaply as one. And if they're doing it to cut costs, it's, you know, they think it's just a wise thing to do. They, they think, you know- ... "Let's, let's see, let's see if we can get some sort of an idea of what married life is gonna be like by living together." What, what would you tell them?
Sean McDowell: Well, one thing we'll come back to is the reasons people cohabit have a lot to do with whether it succeeds in the sense of becoming a lasting marriage.
Scott Rae: All right.
Sean McDowell: So that's one piece of this conversation.
Scott Rae: Okay. So let, so let's, let's go to that. Just-
Sean McDowell: No. Okay, hold that, hold that for a second.
Scott Rae: All right.
Sean McDowell: Let me, let me come back to that, 'cause that's, that's, that's more a part of the report-
Scott Rae: Okay
Sean McDowell: ... Than what I would say-
Scott Rae: All right
Sean McDowell: ... Distinctly to the Christian couple. Here's what I would say. I would say, "I remember being in your shoes, and got engaged with my wife, and thinking, 'Gosh, we're getting married in six months. We could save a lot of money by moving in together. We're gonna get married anyways. What's the big deal?'" Like, I remember having those thoughts, and I saw some of my friends do that. What didn't occur to me is years later when I'm married, and now that I travel and I'm gone, what that would have done to my wife's trust and bringing that sin into our marriage, in her mind would have been, "Oh, wait a minute. He was willing to compromise a little bit, do what was convenient, rather than the right thing. Now he's traveling 10 years later-
Scott Rae: Yeah
Sean McDowell: ... I wonder if he's doing what's convenient. I wonder if he's really doing the right thing." That didn't cross my mind when I was 22 years old and engaged with my wife.
Scott Rae: Right.
Sean McDowell: Now, years later, I'm looking back going, "Oh, my goodness." The kind of choices you make while you're dating, you bring into your marriage. So I remember I got an apartment, and at this time [chuckles] in Southern California, I think it was $600 or $800 a month, and it'd probably be four times that right now. At that time, I'm like, "This is a big sacrifice." I didn't realize how significant that sacrifice was to my wife to say, "You know what? We're gonna do this right. I'm gonna treat you right. We're gonna be patient," and we built our marriage on that.
Scott Rae: Mm-hmm.
Sean McDowell: We are celebrating 25 years right now, and I never dreamed that those choices would influence us so deeply.
Scott Rae: So, so let's, let's go a little further here. What, what are some of the reasons the report gives for why people choose to cohabit?
Sean McDowell: Well, there's a lot of different reasons, and can I come back to that one? Because I think it's important to come to that after we talk about how s- w- how I talk to students first-
Scott Rae: Okay
Sean McDowell: ... Thinking critically-
Scott Rae: All right
Sean McDowell: ... About cohabitation.
Scott Rae: Go for it.
Sean McDowell: 'Cause I think it'll make more sense once I've laid this out. So I taught high school for 21 years, full-time, and this is the first year that I'm not teaching it. And what I would do with my students, and these are... It's a Christian school, but not all were Christian. Most were. And I would just say, "All right, let's think of all the reasons why cohabiting with somebody would benefit them, and let's think of all the reasons why it wouldn't," and we would make a chart, and I would make a list with these students. You know, these are seniors, 17, 18 years old, and I would just wait until they thought of every conceivable reason. So some might be convenience, like you said. Some might be finances. Some might be, "I wanna spend more time with this person." Some might be, "Whatever, it's just easier." So we would walk through all of them, and a common one was, "I can learn things that I couldn't learn otherwise." That was kind of a big one. And the worst metaphor ever was, "You wouldn't drive- buy a car if you didn't test drive it, so why don't we test drive this?" [chuckles] Students would say that, "Test drive the relationship." And so, and then I'd take them one by one. I'd say, "Okay, is this a good reason? Let's talk about it. Is this a good reason? Let's talk about it." And we would dissect them-
Scott Rae: Mm-hmm
Sean McDowell: ... One by one, and at the end, I would make the point to them, I would say, "Look, there is nothing that you can learn from living with somebody that you can't learn otherwise, that has any relevance to a lasting marriage." I say that very carefully. There is nothing you can learn from living with somebody that you can't learn otherwise, that has any significance for a lasting marriage. So why do it? Now, with that said, here's what the Institute for Family Studies shows, and this is what's really significant: Although many believe that living together before marriage will lower their odds of divorce, there's no evidence that this is generally true and a lot of evidence that it is not true. Sociological data. That is, for decades in the US, living together before marriage has been associated with greater odds of divorce and/or lower relationship quality in marriage, and not just in a few isolated circumstances. And they give some specifics. The study says, "In relative terms, the marriages of those who moved in together before being engaged were 48% more likely to end the marriage of those who cohabited after being engaged or already married." And then they walk through, the... One of the things, they said, "The group who cohabited after engagement appears similar, if not greater, risk than those who cohabit before engagement on some important variables." It said, "For example, those who reported being engaged prior to moving in were as likely, if not more, to report having a child with their spouse before marriage," and that raises other issues, including increased divorce. So-... Bottom line, people get w- move in together for a lot of reasons, and we'll come back to some of those specific ones, but there's nothing you can learn, it doesn't benefit you in the long run. So I would say to these students, I'd say, "Look, I've been married for a long time. If you want a lasting, significant marriage built on trust, that might involve a little more sacrifice now than you like, don't move in with this person. Don't do it. It's not for your objective good or for theirs."
Scott Rae: All right, so let's, let's explore a little bit why that is. What, what are some of the negative effects that come out of cohabitation that the study showed? I mean, I have, I have a theory myself for why some of these, some of the percentage of unsuccessful marriages that come out of that is as high as it is. But what does the report- ... What does the report suggest about that?
Sean McDowell: Okay, so here's some of the negative effects of cohabitation. Now, again, we're gonna come back to this because the data is somewhat clear. The reasons why somebody cohabits, whether they're engaged or not, will affect some of this data. So this is just including all people-
Scott Rae: Right
Sean McDowell: ... That cohabit, even though it could be nuanced. Some of this is, I think, really clear. Much higher levels of sexual infidelity. So 2019, Texas Tech study found that cohabitors, 57% greater likelihood of sexual infidelity compared to married couples. Now-
Scott Rae: While, while they were cohabiting?
Sean McDowell: Yes, ex- what- those who are cohabiting have that, exactly. The National Sex Survey showed cohabiting women eight more time, times more likely than wives to cheat on their mates. So if you take those who are married women, those who are cohabiting women, those who are cohabiting, eight times more likely to cheat than women in a married relationship. That's one example. Another one is domestic violence. The Family Violence Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire says that the overall rate of violence among cohabiting couples is double the rate compared to married couples, and the rate for severe violence is nearly five times greater. Third example, financial resources. Cohabiters are less likely to share financial resources. It's more like roommates than it is [chuckles] in a married, is the example. They're less likely to save and accumulate wealth, not selfishly, but just for their kids, for their future, for retirement. The National Marriage Project reports that while the poverty rate for children living in a married household is about 6%, it's 31% for children with a cohabiting mother and father. Again, we see the negative effects on children. Household chores. Men who plan to marry the women he is living with does up to eight hours more of chores. Now, in fairness on this one, if you're cohabiting and you plan to marry that person, you're going to do more chores as somebody who's cohabiting and just testing things out.
Scott Rae: Right.
Sean McDowell: So that's an important distinction. But they did point out, they said 54% of cohabiting relationships have children present, 54%, one-third from that relationship. So as a whole, if these relationships are less stable, less financially secure, there's a higher likelihood of sexual infidelity, there's a higher likelihood of domestic violence, why would we encourage people to cohabit? And again, I'm not saying this is true for all cohabiting relationships, and that it's not true for any married relationships. We're talking about where the numbers point, and there's a significant difference, all things considered, between cohabiting relationships and between married relationships. Those are just some-
Scott Rae: Yeah
Sean McDowell: ... Of the negative outcomes.
Scott Rae: And I think, too, I, we need to be fair, too, that there is a difference in the statistics from those who are engaged-
Sean McDowell: Exactly
Scott Rae: ... And tho- and those who are, who are sort of, you know, you, not irrevocably, but as best you can do being engaged, you're committed to the person, and there's a level of, there's a level of commitment going forward that I'm, you know, I'm not planning on spending my life with anybody else. Now, my theory on this is that-
Sean McDowell: Yeah, I've been eager to know
Scott Rae: ... Is that when you, when you cohabit with someone, you get all the, all the dailiness of life- ... Together. You get the chores. You get making the bed. You get doing the laundry. You get caring for the dogs, if you have them. You get, you get just the sort of the daily stuff of life. There are a lot of couples, they just sort of slog through it, and, you know, it's n- it's not, it's not the best part of marriage-
Sean McDowell: Sure
Scott Rae: ... To say the least.
Sean McDowell: Okay.
Scott Rae: But what you don't get is the trust that comes with a c- a formal- ... Public commitment that you've- ... Made to this person. And it d- it has a per- it... The, the statistics are clear, it has a permanency to it- ... That cohabiting does not. And so I, it seems to me, I think you get... It, it gives you know, all the, all the stuff that you're, you know, that you're gonna get anyway when you're married, but, you know, but those are things that, [chuckles] you know, honestly, I can wait-
Sean McDowell: [laughs]
Scott Rae: I could, I could have waited for those things.
Sean McDowell: Sure, sure.
Scott Rae: But it doesn't give me the w- I th- I think the one thing that is the glue that's gonna hold a long-term commitment together. So anyway, that's, that's my theory.
Sean McDowell: Interesting.
Scott Rae: Um-
Sean McDowell: I've, I've got a couple thoughts, and then tell me what you think about this. So to take that, I would... The angle I would say is when people are living together, they think they're getting a sense of what marriage is actually like. They think, "Oh, this is a simulation that helps me know what the real thing will be like."... But it's lacking in the element that you're talking about, which is permanence, which actually changes everything. So if you're in a cohabiting relationship, and you're disagreeing or you're arguing about something, there's a sense of like, "I could be out the door. I'm gone." When you're married, there's a sense of like, "I have committed to you, and I need to find a way to make this work amidst our disagreement." That changes everything about the conflict.
Scott Rae: Yeah.
Sean McDowell: That's why people living together think they're getting a simulation, but they're not getting a simulation, so they get into the real thing, and they feel like it's a setup. That's one piece. I think-
Scott Rae: Maybe they're getting the AI version of it. [laughing]
Sean McDowell: [laughing] They, they could be.
Scott Rae: But c-
Sean McDowell: I don't know exactly what that means-
Scott Rae: Could, could have-
Sean McDowell: But they could be
Scott Rae: ... Could have errors included.
Sean McDowell: Oh, fair enough. Now, I think there's a couple other things. One other one is oftentimes when people are living together, there's a difference in expectation that's not true when couples are married. Now-
Scott Rae: For example?
Sean McDowell: Well, if you're living together, oftentimes girls, women will view living together as a step towards commitment. Men tend to view it to see if they want to commit. And so if you have different expectations, you're gonna shape conflict differently, you're gonna treat each other differently. You're just gonna run up against, "I thought you would do this, and I thought you'd do that," based on unstated expectations. Now, of course, one way around that, and the data does go up towards increasing, is if somebody is engaged first, then there's at least a common level of commitment-
Scott Rae: Mm-hmm
Sean McDowell: ... When they move in together, and decreases the chance significantly that that re- that relationship will not last when they get married. But that's one reason that's there, and I'd still say, if you're engaged, you're not married yet. You haven't given the ring. You haven't legally tied your names, done the public ceremony, so there's still a difference-
Scott Rae: Yeah
Sean McDowell: ... That's there.
Scott Rae: The license has not been registered.
Sean McDowell: It has not been registered legally. The other piece that I would add to this, that I think adds to it, is people think when you move in together, you're getting a better sense of what this person is like. I mean, when I ask students all the time, they're like, "Well, I can just see if they put the toothpaste on or not. I can see what they're like at 2:00 in the morning when they're tired. I can just see these kinds of things, and I'm in a better position to know if this is someone I should marry." I actually think it's the opposite. I actually think when you're living that close-
Scott Rae: You're, you're still dating
Sean McDowell: ... It makes it harder to break up. One reason is you've kind of already committed, so it becomes easy to just excuse these things away. And another reason is if you're sexually active, you've... There's chemicals in the human body that create bonding, like oxytocin and vasopressin. So if you're in the same house with somebody and you're sleeping with somebody, your body's like, "We become one." And so rather than having an appropriate distance where you can look at somebody's character, see if you wanna commit, your body's telling you, "Well, you love this person," and you're already in a house with this person and excuse more things away. So I actually think the proximity makes it harder to have an objective assessment of this person's character and if you should marry them, than if you were apart.
Scott Rae: So, what do you think? I'm curious to hear your take on this. You know, you pointed out already that the- culturally, the views of cohabiting have changed radically in the last 30 years.
Scott Rae: And I wonder if it, if it's view... I mean, I think culturally it's viewed as basically morally neutral. You know, I, you know, I don't think anybody's gonna argue the, you know, the merits or demerits. It just, it just really is what it is culturally. I wonder if you... Do you think that the negative things that come out of cohabitation, that the study shows, will decrease as people consider it more just kind of a normal thing that couples do before they get married?
Sean McDowell: I've read quite a few people who make this argument, that the reason there's negative outcomes is-
Scott Rae: There's a stigma attached to it
Sean McDowell: ... The stigma against it.
Scott Rae: Yeah.
Sean McDowell: And we hear this in the LGBTQ conversation, that the reason that, you know, people suffer with comorbidities is the lack of acceptance in society. So if society becomes more accepting, those kind of sufferings will decrease. Well, there is a 2019 Stanford study that found no support for the idea that as cohabitation becomes socially accepted, it loses its negative consequences. So they argue that the effects have stayed steady across place and across time, and it's called the cohabitation effect because it seems to be so well known and accepted in the larger academic realm of people- ... Who study this. It holds across various countries where living together is practiced widely. So interesting hypothesis. I'm not aware of the data that backs it up. I'm aware of this 2019 h- Stanford study that pushes against it. And I'd also say there's certain things built into our bodies, built into men and built [chuckles] into women, that cannot be molded like clay by society. Marriage is a kind of thing. We want a kind of commitment. Women want the security of marriage, and acceptance in society is not gonna change that.
Scott Rae: Sean, I wonder if we could dig a little deeper on one aspect that I didn't see coming in this report, and you mentioned it already. One of the negative outcomes is a higher instance of domestic v- domestic violence- ... In cohabitation as opposed to marriage. What, what do you- what does the study suggest about what accounts for that? And what... I'm just curious, what do you think accounts for that? 'Cause that's, that's, that's-... Quite a striking finding, in my view.
Sean McDowell: I, to be honest with you, I am somewhat guessing as I move above my pay grade, because I'm not a sociologist or a psychologist, so I hesitate to comment what exactly accounts for that. I could guess and throw theories out there, but I think the bottom line is we see a lot of negative effects in cohabitation, and so we ask: What's the difference between cohabitation and marriage? Marriage, there's a public commitment. Marriage, there's a promise to somebody. Marriage, there's a uniting of your lives together. And for the case, especially of men, when they get married and start having kids, it forces this sense of like, "Oh, I'm looking out for myself. I've gotta care for my kids. I've gotta care for my wife," and it does something to change a man in some fashion. I think that's a piece of it, but the data behind it, I don't know that I could-
Scott Rae: Yeah, okay
Sean McDowell: ... Go any further-
Scott Rae: Fair enough
Sean McDowell: ... And explain that.
Scott Rae: Well, let me, let me suggest, you know, one of the places I could see cohabiting couples pushing back on this- ... Is that particularly in s- in a state, as most states, that have no-fault divorce laws, that, you know, divorce is not nearly as difficult as it was a generation or two ago, where you had to actually had to provide good reasons. And, you know, California was one of the first states in the country to legalize no-fault divorce, and that's... The dominoes are just kept falling after that. And so what do you say to the couple who says, "You know, I can, I can exit a marriage almost as easily as I can exit a cohabitation agreement?" "So what's, you know, what's such a big deal about marriage- ... In that regard?" Because if we, as, if you're describing it, the permanence of marriage is w- is one of the things that it has going for it- ... And that level of trust that comes with that. And I get it, you know, on your, on your wedding day, you make all sorts of wild promises, which I'm c- I tell, I tell couples when I marry them, I say, "That's the reason we have witnesses here-
Sean McDowell: [laughing]
Scott Rae: ... Is to bear, to bear witness to these wild promises-
Sean McDowell: That's totally true
Scott Rae: ... You're making to each other."
Sean McDowell: Right, right. [chuckles]
Scott Rae: But, you know, it is, it is, it is just not that hard- ... To get out of a marriage today. Now, if you've accumulated your property and things like that-
Sean McDowell: Sure
Scott Rae: ... And if you have kids, then it's, it's a l- it's more challenging. But, you know, for a couple with, you know, double income, no kids, you know, you split up your assets- ... Go your separ- sign the papers and go your separate ways. You know, there's... It's just, it's, it's not that much harder to get out of a marriage today- ... Than it is to get out of a cohabitation agreement. Now, granted, in a marriage, you just can't walk out the door and say, "I'm done."
Sean McDowell: Sure.
Scott Rae: But for, I mean, for all practical purposes, you just get the paperwork in motion-
Sean McDowell: Well, I-
Scott Rae: ... And you do essentially the same thing. That would be the pushback-
Sean McDowell: Yeah, I'm-
Scott Rae: ... That comes on that
Sean McDowell: ... I'm not a counselor, and there's reasons why I don't counsel married couples, but what I would practically do is I'd say, "Okay, what do you want in this relationship? What do you want? Do you want this to be a permanent relationship? Do you want this to last?" And my suspicion is, strongly, that both of them do. So should the motivation to not get married, the fact that it's just as easy to get out as it is a cohabiting relationship, I wonder if the motivation is not the best here, as opposed to asking, "How do we have a long-term relationship-
Scott Rae: That's the central point
Sean McDowell: ... That lasts?" That's just the question I would try to unpack, and I-
Scott Rae: Yeah
Sean McDowell: ... Would ask them about.
Scott Rae: Yeah, mm-hmm.
Sean McDowell: And I think I... Here's the thing I say more to students than I do to older couples. I'll say, "Look, if somebody says, 'I wanna commit to you, and I want to love you. I just don't wanna get married, it's just a marriage certificate,'" I'll say, "If it's just a marriage certificate before you get married, then it's just a marriage certificate-
Scott Rae: That's exactly
Sean McDowell: ... After you get married."
Scott Rae: So, so why not get married?
Sean McDowell: There's something-
Scott Rae: Exactly. That's exactly right.
Sean McDowell: And the data is there. Now, there could be couples that are an exception. Fine, of course there are. But if you're going into this, and you're trying to have the most relational success as possible, make the highest promise [chuckles] you can to this other person, regardless of how easy it is to get out the back door, and that's what we call marriage.
Scott Rae: Okay, good. Now, you don't have to be a therapist to-
Sean McDowell: [laughing] That's my apologetics
Scott Rae: ... To dig down. Yeah, no, that's, that's, that's a real- [chuckles] that's a really good answer to that. I mean, I've of- I've often, told people, I say, "If it's just a piece of paper, then what's holding you back from getting married?" Because I assure you, for most women, it's not just a piece of paper. Now, that may be a little strong. I'd say for a sizable portion of women-
Sean McDowell: Certainly more women than men
Scott Rae: ... Who view that, yeah, who view that differently-
Sean McDowell: Yeah
Scott Rae: ... It's not just a piece of paper, 'cause it embodies a sense of commitment, that you're going, you're going public with this. And even in the Scriptures, when it says, you know, "Leave your mother and father," that's a public commu- sort of communal witnessed leaving- ... That's in view. It's not just two people who decide, "Well, w- you know, we're out of here to start our own household." You know, it's a, it's a... It has a public component to
Sean McDowell: It does
Scott Rae: ... That's re- that's really important, because, again, because you're, you're making [chuckles] you're making some pretty crazy promises to each other, and it's a good thing that we have people around to testify to that- ... [chuckles] in the future when you may come to doubt those things.
Sean McDowell: As you're saying this, here's probably what I would say, because I think you're right, that a girl is f- probably gonna be far more likely to want the marriage certificate, all things considered, than the man. So I might say to the guy, I'd say, "Do you love her?" "Yes." "Do you want what's best for her? Are you committing to her through the thick and the thin for your lifetime?" Turn to her and say, "If you believe him, what is the best way he can express this to you?"... Now, if she says, "I don't need a marriage certificate," then there's nothing I could say to convince [chuckles] that couple anyways.
Scott Rae: Right.
Sean McDowell: Chances are she's gonna say, "I want the certificate." And then either he goes, "I'm out of here," which means he didn't love her, or he realizes this is the way of really showing love. That's how I navigate it.
Scott Rae: I would, I- the one thing I'd add to that is I would say, you know, "Do you respect her enough- ... To give her what she wants and what she feels like she needs in order to totally commit to this- ... And make it a success in the long term?" 'Cause I think you can ma- you can make an argument, I think, that cohabiting without commitment is ultimately, I think, disrespectful-
Sean McDowell: I agree
Scott Rae: ... To the woman.
Sean McDowell: I agree with that.
Scott Rae: Yeah. And she- ... You know, she may not ever express it like that, but I think if they're honest, I think a lot, a lot of women would s- would echo that sentiment. All right. Here's so maybe the last question on this.
Sean McDowell: I got a couple we gotta talk about, 'cause we hinted at it, but we never got to it.
Scott Rae: Okay.
Sean McDowell: So why-
Scott Rae: All right
Sean McDowell: ... How do most people end up cohabiting? This is actually really important.
Scott Rae: Okay. I thought we-
Sean McDowell: So-
Scott Rae: I thought we'd covered that.
Sean McDowell: We didn't cover that.
Scott Rae: But, okay.
Sean McDowell: No, this is actually really important.
Scott Rae: All right.
Sean McDowell: So most people, 64%, said they slid into living together and didn't really make a decision together as a couple. So two-thirds, it's more of just kind of like a default, non-thoughtful, intentional decision. Only 36% of respondents, of course, in this study, said they talked about it and made a clear decision. Now, of those who slide into cohabitation have a 34% chance of marital dissolution, compared to 21% of those who decide. So if we set Bible and theology aside, which you and I-
Scott Rae: Right
Sean McDowell: ... Would say you never should, and we're just [chuckles] saying the success of a cohabiting relationship, two-thirds just kind of, "Oh, let's save money. Fine, let's do it," don't sit down and even talk it through with any intentionality and common commitment and common goals. And so the study we're talking about said, "We know that couples who have more relationship-driven reasons for important transitions, like marriage or cohabitation, tend to fare better than those having event-driven external reasons." So if the reasons are save money and convenience, that's external.
Scott Rae: Right.
Sean McDowell: If it's more, "I wanna spend time with you, I wanna be committed to you," then it shapes the relationship. So back at the beginning, when we were making a distinction between cohabiting couples and why they move in together, the reasons are huge. And this one, bring- I always brought this up with students, 'cause they had to have the test-driving example.
Scott Rae: [chuckles]
Sean McDowell: Is this is a direct quote from the Institute for Family Studies: "Moving in together to test a relationship might be a uniquely bad reason to cohabit." So not all reasons that people cohabit are equal. So what are the top ones? This is where the chart in this study was helpful. 44% said, "Spend more time with a partner," 17% said, "Test the relationship," 22% said, "It made sense financially," 17% said, "It was inconvenient to live apart." So some of those motivations... Now, what they tie is, how do these motivations fare in terms of marital dissolution? For those who said it made sense financially, 40% more likely to have marital dissolution.
Scott Rae: Wow.
Sean McDowell: So ironically-
Scott Rae: Yeah
Sean McDowell: ... If somebody's like, "I'm gonna save money by living together," they end up losing a lot more money and making things worse for their life, 'cause that's a bad motivation. Testing the relationship, 33%. The lowest one was to spend more time together. So if somebody is motivated and says, "I really care about you, I wanna move towards commitment," of course, as Christians, we would say, "Don't cohabit together." There still are some negative outcomes you can, and likely will, experience, but that's a far better reason than just saving money to do so.
Scott Rae: Fair enough. And so the... Yeah, I think what's helpful is that the reasons actually have a lot to say about the impact that it will have on marital satisfaction and marital permanence. Now-
Sean McDowell: That's right.
Scott Rae: Okay, now, one final question.
Sean McDowell: Sure. [laughs] Okay.
Scott Rae: I actually did... [chuckles] Never mind.
Sean McDowell: [laughs]
Scott Rae: What advice do you have for young couples- ... Who are thinking about getting married? And what... This is, this is really, I think, a helpful way to put this: What perspective do you have now- ... That you didn't have or might not have had when you were in your 20s thinking about this yourself?
Sean McDowell: Here's what I would say. If you want to have a successful, lasting marriage, don't move in together before you're married, period. Hands down, don't do it. And what I see now, what I shared earlier, is how the sacrifice you make at this stage, the choice you make at this stage, the priorities at this stage, is a kind of basis and a foundation you are setting your marriage up for the long haul. Don't move in with this person. And second, you know, I'm in 25 years of being [chuckles] married, and I love it. I hope I get 25 more plus with my wife, but it's a long time. This is a long commitment. Take your time, get counsel of those around you who are wise, who've been married for a long time, and just know that the biblical plan is for the best. God's design is not to steal your fun, it's not to cost you financially, it's to quite literally set you up for marital and relational success, and it's for your good.
Scott Rae: I think we could close in prayer and go home-
Sean McDowell: Let's do it
Scott Rae: ... On that one. So yeah, as, you know, my wife and I, we celebrated 40 years last year.
Sean McDowell: Amazing.
Scott Rae: And looking forward. I don't know if we'll get 40 more, but, uh- [laughs]
Sean McDowell: [laughs]
Scott Rae: ... I'm not so sure about that.
Sean McDowell: Good luck. [laughs]
Scott Rae: Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen. But, no, I think- I think we, I think we would both... We, w- you know, we would both suggest that- ... That the fact that we did things the way we did has helped set us up for, you know, a long-term success in marriage.
Sean McDowell: Amen.
Scott Rae: Amen. All right. I hope you all found this helpful, Sean. If people want to get hold of this study, can they just Google the Institute for Family Studies report on cohabitation?
Sean McDowell: Yeah, I think-
Scott Rae: Will that do it?
Sean McDowell: I think that's the best. The title is... I'll give you the specific title here. It is What's the Plan? Cohabitation, Engagement, and Divorce. Came out in April 2023 by the Institute for Family Studies, and it's available online.
Scott Rae: Yeah, let's see. We'll, we'll try- we'll put a link, in the-
Sean McDowell: Perfect
Scott Rae: ... When we post this, we'll put a link to that study. If you wanna read a little bit more on this, we'd encourage you. If you wanna do a deep dive into the data, go for it. Sean, my resident data nerd.
Sean McDowell: [laughs]
Scott Rae: God bless you for dig-
Sean McDowell: I'll accept that moniker
Scott Rae: ... Digging deep into that.
Sean McDowell: [chuckles]
Scott Rae: We hope you found this helpful. If you have questions on this or other subjects or comments you wanna give to us, email us at thinkbiblically@biola.edu. That's thinkbiblically@biola.edu. If you're, if you're viewing this, be sure to subscribe to our audio podcast. Feel free to share it with a friend. We really appreciate you viewing and listening to this. We hope you found it helpful, and we encourage you to join us on Friday for our weekly cultural update. In the meantime, think biblically about everything. [upbeat music]
