Spring 2005 « Biola Magazine « Biola University

What Should Every Christian Know About Preventing An Affair?

It’s not just husbands who are cheating. The number of wives who have had an affair is on the rise, according to a July 12 Newsweek article titled “The New Infidelity.” Over 20 years ago, Nancy Anderson had an affair and left her husband, Ron. But they rebuilt their marriage and recently celebrated their 26th anniversary. Together they conduct couples retreats and marriage seminars to help couples predict, prevent, or pardon infidelity. Nancy’s first book was released in December, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair-Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage (Kregel).

What are reasons a marriage may be vulnerable to an affair?

When spouses start to lose their friendship and sense a distance from one another, then they are vulnerable. If they are not meeting each other’s needs, then the other person feels — especially in our modern times — that they deserve to be happy. Then sometimes they will go outside the marriage to make themselves happy. Their needs are legitimate, but they’re getting them met in a way that isn’t legitimate.

What is the “greener grass syndrome?”

The “greener grass syndrome” is when we focus on what other people have instead of focusing on what we have. My book is based on the principle that the grass is always greener where it’s watered. To water your marriage, you must find out your spouse’s needs and then meet them. We all share the same basic needs: to be listened to, understood and loved. But how we experience love may vary. So spouses should ask each other the question, “What are the three most important things I can do to show you love today?”

If a couple believes their marriage is in danger,
what should they do?

The key is to catch it before it gets to the desperate point, and that’s where communication comes in. A spouse should say, “You know, I’m really unhappy … This is really hard … I’m looking at other people.” When I had my affair I was desperate. My husband — and he’ll admit this — was cruel, critical and didn’t compliment me. Then this other man at work complimented me. Compliments are like magnets. If you’re not being encouraged at home, then when other people encourage you, you’re naturally going to be attracted to them. Of course, I’m not excusing the serious sin of adultery. But if a spouse is receiving encouragement at home then they won’t be starving for it.

How can a couple protect their marriage?

In my book, I talk about six different hedges that begin with a letter that spells the word “hedges”: hearing (listening to your spouse), encouraging (building each other up), dating (keeping the marriage fresh and fun), guarding (establishing safeguards), educating (knowing each other’s needs) and satisfying (meeting those needs). A lot of newlyweds who’ve read my book say they have never thought about the importance of the hedge I call “guarding.” A couple needs to agree upon rules to safeguard their marriage from intruders. They should address areas such as Internet and television use, traveling alone, and time spent with people of the opposite sex, including coworkers. According to the Newsweek article, the most common person for a woman to have an affair with is a coworker, and I suspect that would hold true for men.

Can a marriage survive an affair?

The only way it can be done is if there is full repentance, full forgiveness and full restoration. Repentance has to do with your behavior after you confess the affair. This includes breaking off all contact with the other person. In my case I had to quit my job, and I never saw him again. And you have to be fully accountable to your spouse after your confession. Ron knew where I was every minute of every day for the next couple of years — not because he asked, but because I volunteered. Then you start to rebuild the trust. You have to start with a clean foundation and eliminate whatever problems there were to begin with.